I, like many others, applied to be a credentialed member of the media for this week’s SEC Media Days: a three-day media circus at which coaches and players from each SEC school take questions for some reason. Unfortunately, I was rejected and kicked into the lonely abyss of a 90-degree Alabama afternoon. The festival of football cliches takes place at the Wynfrey Hotel, in Hoover, Ala. literally five minutes from my house. But am I bitter that they probably would’ve let Mark May in there and kept me out? Not one bit.
So, instead of openly whining, here are a few of the questions that I would’ve asked, had I been let in the front door, or mall entrance from the food court. (The Wynfrey is in the Galleria Mall in Hoover.)
1. “Coach Sumlin, with Kliff Kingsbury leaving for Texas Tech, who is in charge your team’s styling? Has your team’s swag level taken a dip? Why or why not?”
2. “Mr. Manziel, are you dehydrated now? Can I get you anything? I know a great place in Hoover we can go later tonight where we can dehydrated together.”
3. “Coach Bielema, has someone hacked your Twitter account, or has no one shown you how to use it yet?”
“Follow up to Coach Bielema, you’ve never had players who were fast, how are you dealing with this adversity?”
4. “Mr. McCarron, if you win another National Championship what will you add to your ever-growing chest tattoo and why?”
5. “Coach Saban, when we, I mean, if y’all win another title this year, what’s the over/under on time spent smiling? 10 minutes?”
“Second question, the National Title-winning team has been from the state of Alabama for the last four seasons in a row. Have there been any preliminary talks with Coach Malzahn to loan him players in the event that Auburn has a chance of winning one this year?”
6. “Mr. Clowney, seriously how many people in this room could you fight? 86-89 percent? How about if they all attacked you at once?”
7. “Coach Stoops, how will Oklahoma fare this year?”
“Oh, you’re a different Stoops?”
“You coach at Kentucky? Doesn’t Tubby Smith coach there?”
“You’re sure you don’t coach at Oklahoma?”
“Ok, well, how will Kentucky’s basketball team fare this year?”
8. “Coach Muschamp, will you please stop yelling at the Wynfrey Hotel staff? They’re pretty busy and ‘bring me the first-born male child of every Georgia recruit’ is not a very easy request to fulfill.”
9. “Coach Spurrier, can you explain Game of Thrones to me? Start at the beginning. Take your time.”
10. “Coach Pinkel, Missouri isn’t in the South. I don’t have a question, it’s just an observation.”
11. “Coach Franklin, how are you able to be so decent at football with so many nerds?”
12. “Coach Malzahn, will you run an even higher tempo offense just to make Coach Saban mad? I mean really high-tempo. Like, playing as if there were 5 seconds left in the game, for the entire game.”
“Follow up, how often do you have recruits ding-dong-ditch Harvey Updyke’s house? Well, technically, it’s a shopping cart covered by burlap in downtown Bessemer, but if you make a doorbell sound, he’ll rush to the door.”
